You don’t have to do this alone.

As his wife or partner, if you found this, you are almost certainly the most motivated person in his life, and it probably feels like you are the one with the least power to make anything happen. It might even feel like he is pushing you away. None of this is a failing in you. It is the nature of this particular situation, and it is his to own.

What I offer is a private and structured space for the reconstruction of the man underneath what’s happening. For some of the men and families I work with, the crisis has already reached the family. Others are watching it begin to threaten everything. What I do is not a program he checks into, though sometimes that is the best option, and if it is what he needs, we can discuss getting him there. It is not talk therapy you drag him to, or a recovery group you force him into. This is work he chooses for himself and for his family.

This is not something I can begin because only you want it. You have likely already tried the ultimatum, the therapist, the conversation in the car, or the one at two in the morning after a bad night. That does not work, and I will not pretend it does.

What you can actually do: almost nothing by force, and one thing that works. The first step is to stop managing it and stop taking it on. I know that feels much easier said than done. And you have actually already started to do that if you are reading this and thinking about hiring me.

You can put this in front of him once, without pressure, and let it be his to pick up. Or you send him nothing at all right now, and write to me yourself. We can schedule a call. I will listen to you, and I will tell you honestly what is possible from here, even when the honest answer is hard.

If you want something concrete to put in his hands, it is this: it starts with one private conversation with me, in complete confidence, with no obligation on either side. If we go forward, the first ten days are spent looking honestly at what is actually happening and how it’s affecting the whole ecosystem, and stabilizing where it is needed.

Your reaching out to me stays between us. He will not hear about this conversation from me unless you choose to tell him yourself, or you and I decide together that he should know.

Once he and I begin, he is my client. What you told me before that stays between us. What he tells me after that stays with him. If the marriage work brings you into the room, it is with both of you knowing exactly what is being shared, and nothing from either of you crosses that line without consent.